I was thinking today about another comment my counselor made awhile back. We were again talking about this sense of urgency I had to get things "solved" or "fixed". He said to me, "It sounds like you want to rewrite the 23rd Psalm to say 'Yea though I run through the valley of the shadow of death.'". It really struck me, and has been a source of contemplation for me. Why shouldn't we run through the pain? What is the purpose of walking? Naturally I want to rush through the painful times to get to the point where I feel better. And yet, it seems that there is value in walking. Perhaps the experience is more important than the end result. Perhaps there is something we miss when we run.
And what am I running from? Pain seems to be the obvious answer. But can I ever escape pain? Is it not a part of life? Is it not what makes me stronger? I view pain as an enemy to be conquered. When something happens that causes me pain, I see what can be done to avoid that pain again. This results in growth. And because of that growth, I am a much better person. So in some ways, that pain that I hate so much is also my ally.
My divorce is a great example of this. It has caused me more pain than I have ever had before. It's something that I would not wish on anyone, and hope I never endure again. And yet, if given the option, I wouldn't go back to the person I was before. I have grown and changed so much because of this divorce, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
But I find myself just wanting it to be over. I am sick of the pain. I know that I am on the upward part of the valley. Sometimes I can see the light at the top so clearly that I forget I'm still in the valley. Until I trip on something and am reminded that I am not there yet. The valley is still here, and so is the pain. I suppose that means growth is still here as well, but that's only a mild encouragement. I wish I could run. I wish I could get it all over with. I want to move on. And yet this divorce will probably never be completely over. It will impact me for the rest of my life, and hit me when I least expect it. For such are the characteristics of grief. The wound may heal, but there will always be a scar. A scar to remind me of the pain so that I won't go through it again. But until that time, I will try to walk.
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Well said, about the scar. My experience with emotional pain (though not nearly as acutley as you to be sure) is that it never really goes away. You can either be consumed by it and let it run your life, or you can learn from it. It took me a while to figure out the "learning" part because it was easier to be angry and focus in on the pain, covering it with bravado, cynicism, anger, etc. In the end, though, by choosing to take it as a learning experience, I feel that I really grew as a person. You will too, I really believe that.
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