A few weeks ago I watched The Family Stone for the first time. It's a really great movie that I would recommend to anyone. The recommendations I had received were so great that I bought it without even seeing it. There were many things in that movie that stood out to me, but there was one line towards the beginning that really jumped out at me. The parents are talking about Meredith, the girlfriend their son Everett has brought home for Christmas. The dad makes the assessment: "She doesn't seem to know herself very well. Which means, I'm afraid, our Everett doesn't know himself very much either." It made me pause the movie and rewind to catch it again. It is something I had never thought about before, but really is true. When we don't know ourselves and are very insecure with who we are, we tend to seek out those same types of people. Otherwise we may have to face the reality that is ourselves, and that is something we are trying to avoid. I definitely saw this in my first marriage as I did not know myself at all. That's one of the inherent dangers of marrying young.
The families' problem with Meredith was not in who she was, it was that she didn't know herself and was very fake. As Ben (one of Everett's brothers) put it, "You have a freak flag; you just refuse to fly it." I love that line! We all have freak flags, aspects of who we are that are unique and strange. Rather than trying to hide them, we need to accept and embrace them as a part of who we are. This doesn't mean we don't grow and change certain aspects. But before any of that can happen, we must acknowledge and accept those things as a part of who we are.
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Friday, December 29, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Crazy
I just finished watching the movie A Beautiful Mind for probably the third time. It is such an incredible movie. The first time I watched it I was struck by the vivid way it portrays Schizophrenia and the way it makes you understand a little of what it must be like. But over and over again I am impressed by the love story. Seeing the difference and triumph that can be made by the dedication of a loving spouse. Maybe it's just the sentimental romantic in me, but that story always inspires and challenges me. It gives new meaning to the phrase "for better or for worse". And it's an unequivocal example of the impact of that kind of love.
There was someone else kind of watching the movie with me, and he couldn't understand it. After we explained it, he just kept saying, "he's crazy, he's crazy." He couldn't understand how someone who was "crazy" could make such an impact.
But I think the reality is that we are all crazy. Some are more so than others, obviously. But the reality is that we have parts of us that are a little neurotic and irrational. Because of past experiences, or whatever reason, we do things that do not make sense and are not logical. The real challenge is to acknowledge our craziness and deal with it as best we can. I love the parts in this movie where John can joke and mess with people about his illness. That shows strength of character and self-acceptance. And while he does everything he can to treat it, the problem does not go away. But he is able to deal with it, and continue to live his life in a meaningful way. I'm not saying we're all schizophrenic, nor am I trying to diminish the seriousness of that illness. I'm saying we may be a little more like John Nash than we want to admit. But it was only after accepting and acknowledging his problems (and through the love and support of his wonderful wife) that he was able to take control of his life and regain a sense of meaning and purpose. And it's a challenge to me to accept my own craziness and deal with it as best as possible.
There was someone else kind of watching the movie with me, and he couldn't understand it. After we explained it, he just kept saying, "he's crazy, he's crazy." He couldn't understand how someone who was "crazy" could make such an impact.
But I think the reality is that we are all crazy. Some are more so than others, obviously. But the reality is that we have parts of us that are a little neurotic and irrational. Because of past experiences, or whatever reason, we do things that do not make sense and are not logical. The real challenge is to acknowledge our craziness and deal with it as best we can. I love the parts in this movie where John can joke and mess with people about his illness. That shows strength of character and self-acceptance. And while he does everything he can to treat it, the problem does not go away. But he is able to deal with it, and continue to live his life in a meaningful way. I'm not saying we're all schizophrenic, nor am I trying to diminish the seriousness of that illness. I'm saying we may be a little more like John Nash than we want to admit. But it was only after accepting and acknowledging his problems (and through the love and support of his wonderful wife) that he was able to take control of his life and regain a sense of meaning and purpose. And it's a challenge to me to accept my own craziness and deal with it as best as possible.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Knowledge vs. clarity
I went to a divorce support group at Forest Lake today. My primary reason for going was to see how they did their group, as I am wanting to start one in Michigan. I am the first to admit that I wasn't very optimistic today when I went. But that was because of a bad encounter I had in a similar meeting on Divorce Care by the same guy a couple weeks ago. I thought it may have just been the setting we were in, so I decided to try the actual group once, even if it was just to learn what not to do. My primary issue is the approach they take, which is clearly illustrated in the format. It's a two hour session. The first hour and a half were spent watching two videos on various aspects of divorce. The last half hour was spent in discussion.
To me, this is telling the person that their primary problem is lack of information. If only you knew all this information, you wouldn't be having this problem. It's somewhat demeaning and insulting! And who are you to tell me how I am supposed to grieve! I will admit that some information is needed, and sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. But I believe there's a better way to do that than preaching. It is much more effective to help a person find their own answers. Most of the time, the problem is not that we don't know the answer (devoid of information), it's that we haven't been able to think through the entire mess of our head (devoid of clarity). If we simply present information, it simply puts a band-aid over the mess. If you then want to do something about the mess, you have to pull back the band-aid, which seems like regression, so you wouldn't be inclined to do that. So we have an idea of what we think things are supposed to look like, but we still don't really know how to get there.
The other issue is that a video or preaching has to be somewhat general, as it doesn't exactly know where people are. But the problem is that grief (and life in general) is a balance. Look at anger, for example (the subject of one of the videos). On the one extreme, anger can lead to violence, murder, bitterness, and many other things. But if we deny and suppress anger all together, it simply rots, festers, and grows worse. And finding the balance of expressing anger in healthy ways can be very difficult. Especially since people express their feelings in different ways. The only way to find this balance is in a personal way. It can't be done in general preaching (whether videotaped or live). It takes time. It takes a lot of work. But divorce isn't a quick and efficient process. It's certainly easier to tell people what to do and how they should be, and then let them put it together on their own. But part of the problem is that a grieving mind is not usually thinking clearly. I've been there. I know. I needed help and simply time to make sense of everything.
As I was thinking about all this, I thought of an interesting reality. A newspaper costs 35 cents (at least some of them do), and is full of advice. The internet is full of free advice. Most people are eager to give their opinion. It is not hard to find advice. But it can be hard to find someone to listen. Many people (myself included) pay $130 to have someone listen to them for an hour. Yes a counselor does more than just listen, and insurance does pay most of that cost, but it does illustrate the value of having someone listen to you. As a chaplain, that's what I do most. Most people already know what I would tell them, and they aren't listening anyway. They won't remember what I say; but they will remember that I stopped and simply listened. And if there is something they really are wanting to know, they are much more likely to listen and absorb it if they ask than if I just decide to tell them. I guess I've vented enough about this whole issue. But it's something I feel very strongly about. Thanks for listening.
To me, this is telling the person that their primary problem is lack of information. If only you knew all this information, you wouldn't be having this problem. It's somewhat demeaning and insulting! And who are you to tell me how I am supposed to grieve! I will admit that some information is needed, and sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. But I believe there's a better way to do that than preaching. It is much more effective to help a person find their own answers. Most of the time, the problem is not that we don't know the answer (devoid of information), it's that we haven't been able to think through the entire mess of our head (devoid of clarity). If we simply present information, it simply puts a band-aid over the mess. If you then want to do something about the mess, you have to pull back the band-aid, which seems like regression, so you wouldn't be inclined to do that. So we have an idea of what we think things are supposed to look like, but we still don't really know how to get there.
The other issue is that a video or preaching has to be somewhat general, as it doesn't exactly know where people are. But the problem is that grief (and life in general) is a balance. Look at anger, for example (the subject of one of the videos). On the one extreme, anger can lead to violence, murder, bitterness, and many other things. But if we deny and suppress anger all together, it simply rots, festers, and grows worse. And finding the balance of expressing anger in healthy ways can be very difficult. Especially since people express their feelings in different ways. The only way to find this balance is in a personal way. It can't be done in general preaching (whether videotaped or live). It takes time. It takes a lot of work. But divorce isn't a quick and efficient process. It's certainly easier to tell people what to do and how they should be, and then let them put it together on their own. But part of the problem is that a grieving mind is not usually thinking clearly. I've been there. I know. I needed help and simply time to make sense of everything.
As I was thinking about all this, I thought of an interesting reality. A newspaper costs 35 cents (at least some of them do), and is full of advice. The internet is full of free advice. Most people are eager to give their opinion. It is not hard to find advice. But it can be hard to find someone to listen. Many people (myself included) pay $130 to have someone listen to them for an hour. Yes a counselor does more than just listen, and insurance does pay most of that cost, but it does illustrate the value of having someone listen to you. As a chaplain, that's what I do most. Most people already know what I would tell them, and they aren't listening anyway. They won't remember what I say; but they will remember that I stopped and simply listened. And if there is something they really are wanting to know, they are much more likely to listen and absorb it if they ask than if I just decide to tell them. I guess I've vented enough about this whole issue. But it's something I feel very strongly about. Thanks for listening.
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