Crazy

I just finished watching the movie A Beautiful Mind for probably the third time. It is such an incredible movie. The first time I watched it I was struck by the vivid way it portrays Schizophrenia and the way it makes you understand a little of what it must be like. But over and over again I am impressed by the love story. Seeing the difference and triumph that can be made by the dedication of a loving spouse. Maybe it's just the sentimental romantic in me, but that story always inspires and challenges me. It gives new meaning to the phrase "for better or for worse". And it's an unequivocal example of the impact of that kind of love.

There was someone else kind of watching the movie with me, and he couldn't understand it. After we explained it, he just kept saying, "he's crazy, he's crazy." He couldn't understand how someone who was "crazy" could make such an impact.

But I think the reality is that we are all crazy. Some are more so than others, obviously. But the reality is that we have parts of us that are a little neurotic and irrational. Because of past experiences, or whatever reason, we do things that do not make sense and are not logical. The real challenge is to acknowledge our craziness and deal with it as best we can. I love the parts in this movie where John can joke and mess with people about his illness. That shows strength of character and self-acceptance. And while he does everything he can to treat it, the problem does not go away. But he is able to deal with it, and continue to live his life in a meaningful way. I'm not saying we're all schizophrenic, nor am I trying to diminish the seriousness of that illness. I'm saying we may be a little more like John Nash than we want to admit. But it was only after accepting and acknowledging his problems (and through the love and support of his wonderful wife) that he was able to take control of his life and regain a sense of meaning and purpose. And it's a challenge to me to accept my own craziness and deal with it as best as possible.

Update

I have been in Michigan for about a week now. The drive up was uneventful and quicker than expected (18 hours). I have spent most of the week trying to get set up, and trying to remember the Greek I learned in my undergrad. The entrance exam for Greek is on Wednesday, so I have gone to the review session last week and will continue on Monday and Tuesday. It’s coming back pretty well, and I am hopeful that I will get a good enough score to not have to take any more Greek. But I do have more studying to do, and have been trying to work on that. I also have an entrance exam on Bible knowledge on Friday, but I don’t think there is much I can do to study for that. I will begin working at my old job at Lithotech (the copying facility at Andrews) tomorrow. Classes begin on the 28^th.

I am enjoying the cooler temperatures here. It’s usually around mid to high 70s, and I still consider that warm. I enjoyed a nice bonfire last night at my parents house. But I still miss Florida very much. Mostly all my friends. I have a few family and friends at school, but not many. And I am a vastly different person now than I was a year ago. I miss having a group where I feel connected and wanted. As I sat in a plain, boring Sabbath school yesterday, I couldn’t help but wish I was back in Something More. When you’ve had real authentic Mexican food, Taco Bell just doesn’t taste the same. That sounds harsh, but it’s true. The mass-produced, script-read Sabbath School just doesn’t hold the same appeal (not that it ever really appealed to me to begin with). I know that it could be so much better. Hopefully I will find a decent church up here that does speak to me. I hope things will improve, and that I will make more friends and find a decent church. But right now, I miss all my friends in Orlando.

Last night in Orlando

It is 2:48 in the morning, and I don't want to go to bed. Because when I wake up, I have to leave to drive to Michigan. And I don't want this time to end, even though I know it has to, and I need to get a decent nights sleep. It has been a great last day, which is a welcome change from the hellish week I've had. I spent all week trying to sell stuff, with very little success. Friday was a truly horrible day of getting rid of everything, trying to figure stuff out with the larger items, and trying to clean and get out of my apartment. At 10 pm, I said, screw it, I'm done. I had everything cleaned, but couldn't get the bigger stuff out. It was worth paying an extra day of rent. By the time I unloaded the stuff I donated, ate something, and took a shower, it was midnight, and my incredibly foul mood was just starting to improve.

But today was great. We had potluck after church with lots of people, and spent awhile in the pool. I was splashing and fighting with Priscilla and Rachel, which was lots of fun. It reminded me of when I was younger and would fight with my brothers in the pool, except my brothers were much rougher (like trying to dunk me the whole time). Afterwards we went to my apartment to get the rest of the stuff out, which goes much quicker with 4 people than with 1! When we were done with that, we had a special fire in a local park.

This move has made me really sort through and cut back on everything, as I only took what would fit in my car. As I was going through stuff, I found all the old notes and other sentimental stuff I had from Leanna. Initially in the divorce, I decided not to do anything with any of the stuff, because I didn't know what I would want to do with it. But I decided I was now ready to get rid of it. I have moved on from that part of my life. While I won't forget it, I don't need to cling to it or be reminded of all the delusions and lies. So I burned it. The stuff that could not be burned, I wrapped in a bag and smashed the hell out of with the stick I had used to stoke the fire. When the stick broke for the second or third time, I just started stomping on it. A very cathartic experience, to say the least. And I just deleted the wedding video off my computer. 12 gigs in 2 seconds. It is amazing that this stuff can go so quickly. Seven years of memories burned up within a half hour (same with the final court date, oddly enough). We have ceremonies for just about every significant event in our lives (baptism, wedding, baby shower, funeral), but there is nothing for a divorce. In many ways, this was a ceremony demonstrating the finality of it all. The only thing I still have is my wedding band and claddaugh tie-tac (which was like a second wedding band to me). I haven't decided what to do with those, but I am thinking about it. The evening was even more special in that I was joined by several of my closest friends- Susan, Karen, Priscilla, Rachel, and Donna. Interestingly and appropriately enough, all females.

To top it all off, we had some food and then played Texas Hold-Em. It was a lot of fun, and seemed a great way to spend my last night down here. I will miss you all terribly. And the fact that I am still up thinking about it at 3:30 tells you how anxious I am to leave. It amazes me constantly that I have made such great friends down here. It's more than I ever would have dreamed of. I will never forget you, and I hope to come back down soon to visit. I love you all.

Dark Nights of the Soul

I began reading the book Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore for my CPE class. Although I've only read about 70 pages, it has already gripped me and helped me. The second sentence of the introduction really jumped out at me.

"If your main interest in life is health, you may quickly try to overcome the darkness. But if you are looking for meaning, character, and personal substance, you may discover that a dark night has many important gifts for you. "

It made me reevaluate my treatment of trials and pain. With my divorce, as well as other difficult times in my life, I have wanted to get over it and through it as quickly as I can so I can return to "life as normal" (whatever that is). But should that really be my goal, to simply be in health and in peace? Isn't meaning, character, and personal substance far better of a goal? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in health and be happy and at peace. But that should not be viewed as simply the absence of trials. If it is, then this "dark night of the soul" is an interruption, an enemy to be defeated to get back where I was. But when I look at the more important things like meaning and character, I realize that those things are most often found in the dark nights. Therefore the dark nights should be fully embraced. I should not fear it or run from it. For it is only through the dark nights that I can get that which I ultimately desire.

Ow

I am currently in pain. I had my other two wisdom teeth removed this morning. I decided that because I was done working, now would be a good time to do it. And by doing it today, I should be pretty good by this weekend for one last trip to Sea World and spending time with friends.

The dentist struggled a bit with my teeth, but not as much as last time. But unfortunately I did have to go back in because it wouldn't stop bleeding. I never knew it could be so uncomfortable have gauze in your mouth for 6 hours. I also didn't know that a tea bag in between gauze can help it clot faster. But it looks like it will be fine now. I just have to wait for the second vicodin to kick in. It wasn't too bad when I had the other two taken out, and hopefully it will be the same or less this time. We'll see.