The Disguise of Religion

I am reading the book The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. In the chapter I was just reading, they were talking about our our search to fill our longing for Transcendence with lovers who are less wild than God. Let's face it, as C.S. Lewis put it, God is not safe, but He is good. But sometimes this wildness and lack of control scares us and we look for other alternatives. Things we can do that give us glimpses and tastes of Transcendence, but still allow us to maintain control. One favorite seems to be religion itself. We get caught up into trying to find the right beliefs, the right practices, the right everything. Religion becomes an intellectual journey that is divorced from our heart. Because it has the disguise of religion, it appears much more acceptable. But it is just as much adultery as anything else. It is like masturbating to a picture of your wife while refusing to have sex with her. If that idea is uncomfortable and repulsive to you, it should be. That is not at all what the relationship is supposed to be like, but it is how many of us approach our relationship with God. We want the benefits (orgasm) and we want to look like we're doing it right (it's within a marriage relationship), but we are afraid of the risk involved (sex requires much more risk than masturbation).

There is a risk in having a real relationship with God. For one thing, we have to surrender control. This can be really difficult because in our really honest moments, we would admit that the way God has done things is not the way we would have done them. There are always those times when we wish God would have stepped in, but He didn't. The question of how a good God who is all-powerful could allow evil to happen to good people (and vice-versa) is a question that has plagued humanity throughout the ages. And while our heads may find a satisfactory answer and we dismiss the questioning as faithlessness, our hearts still cry from the pain. The natural human reaction of protecting ourselves from pain kicks in, and we try to take more control. We will still "give God control of our lives", but only within certain parameters. And since we can't really trust that He will come through when we want Him to, we avoid putting ourselves in those situations. We try to do the right actions and believe the right doctrine, but since our heart hesitates to trust God, we just separate it from the process. What we're left with is a form of religion that may look like what God wants (after all, we're doing the right things), but there is no life to it. The Bible is explicitly clear that our "right actions" must come from a heart of love (read the Sermon on the Mount). But our heart hesitates to trust Him because it has been burned by His wildness. So we are left to choose between a form of religion that looks good on the outside, but still allows us control so we don't get burned. Or we can surrender the control, embrace God's wildness, and trust His goodness. There's a lot of risk involved, but unless we embrace the wildness of God and relinquish our desire for control, we will never experience the full blessing of a real relationship with God.

The Family Stone

A few weeks ago I watched The Family Stone for the first time. It's a really great movie that I would recommend to anyone. The recommendations I had received were so great that I bought it without even seeing it. There were many things in that movie that stood out to me, but there was one line towards the beginning that really jumped out at me. The parents are talking about Meredith, the girlfriend their son Everett has brought home for Christmas. The dad makes the assessment: "She doesn't seem to know herself very well. Which means, I'm afraid, our Everett doesn't know himself very much either." It made me pause the movie and rewind to catch it again. It is something I had never thought about before, but really is true. When we don't know ourselves and are very insecure with who we are, we tend to seek out those same types of people. Otherwise we may have to face the reality that is ourselves, and that is something we are trying to avoid. I definitely saw this in my first marriage as I did not know myself at all. That's one of the inherent dangers of marrying young.

The families' problem with Meredith was not in who she was, it was that she didn't know herself and was very fake. As Ben (one of Everett's brothers) put it, "You have a freak flag; you just refuse to fly it." I love that line! We all have freak flags, aspects of who we are that are unique and strange. Rather than trying to hide them, we need to accept and embrace them as a part of who we are. This doesn't mean we don't grow and change certain aspects. But before any of that can happen, we must acknowledge and accept those things as a part of who we are.

Family

For me, spending time with family is an important part of Christmas. Growing up, I remember having probably 30 or so relatives in our basement every Thanksgiving and Christmas. While we many have moved away, and we no longer get together like that, my immediate family is still growing (currently at 12 people). All of us got together at Thanksgiving, so I took my time at Christmas to visit family in Orlando. While they may not be family by blood or marriage, many of them have become like family for me. I believe that "family is what you make it." During this past year, they have been the ones who have provided me support, fellowship, community, a place of refuge and hope, and so many other things. And like any family, we have our own problems and dysfunction. But this doesn't keep us from getting together and enjoying each other's company at the holidays. And while I do love my biological family, they can't replace the family I have found in Orlando. And I was very glad to spend some time down there and to have Christmas with my family. I love you all.

Trusting God

I know, two posts in one day, after such sporadic blogging for so long. But sometimes multiple things hit me at once. Such was the case in church today. I decided to forgo the millions of church options around Berrien Springs and watch the Florida Hospital Church live via streaming video on their website. I love Pastor Andy's sermons, and often they really hit me. That was the case today when the message was exactly what I needed to hear.

Yesterday I had another freak-out over money. The financial ramifications of dropping out of my chaplaincy program are HUGE, and money is now going to be much more tight. I am usually able to trust that everything will work out, but sometimes (like yesterday) when I am trying to figure out the bills and plan the month, I really freak out. I can't see how it will work out, and evil insurance companies can really exacerbate the problem. I don't regret my decision to pursue counseling, but I was still beginning to panic.

In church today, the discussion was on Mary and the trust and bravery she demonstrated by accepting God's plan for her to bear Jesus. Andy mentioned several other examples from the Bible when God's plan seemed impossible. The example of Gideon (Judges 7) really struck me. God had called him to deliver Israel from Midian. After a lot of discussion and the signs of the fleece, Gideon was finally willing to follow God's plan. But then God threw another wrench into the plan. He told Gideon that the Israelite army was too many, and if they did defeat the Midianites, they would think it was because of their own strength. So God wanted to reduce Gideon's army. He took them from 32,000 down to 300, less than 1% of their original size! 300 men against an army of about 135,000 (450 times the size of Gideon's 300 men). This certainly seemed like an impossible plan, but that's how God wanted it. He purposely made His plan look impossible. If it did make sense, and Gideon could see how it would all work out, the people wouldn't put their trust in God or give Him the credit. God didn't command that Gideon not be scared, He was OK with him being scared (7:10). Faith does not mean the absence of fear. Gideon just had to follow God's plan, even though he was scared and it didn't make any sense at all.

I guess if my plans "fall through" and things look absolutely impossible, that may be exactly how God wants them. Today's sermon, and this story, were telling me to trust and follow God's plan, even though I am scared and it doesn't make sense. My job is not to figure out the how. My task is to follow what God tells me. I don't ignore the details and act recklessly. But I don't let the insurmountable difficulties make me give up on God.

Playing the piano

Many people have been very surprised when they heard that I was dropping out of my chaplaincy program, partly because of the love and enthusiasm I demonstrated toward it. An illustration came to me today that really demonstrates why I have decided to make this change.

While I was growing up, I took piano lessons for about 6 years. The interesting thing about that is that we didn't have a piano, we had an organ. So all my practicing, for 6 years, I did on an organ. It worked pretty well, except for occasionally not having all the notes available. When I went to academy (high school for any non-Adventists), I had the opportunity to play on an actual piano all the time (although I wasn't taking lessons anymore). I very quickly discovered how much emotion and feeling you can put into a piece simply by varying the volume. On an organ, the volume is controlled not by how hard you press the key, but by a foot pedal. This discovery made a HUGE difference in my piano playing. I was able to put a lot more expression and emotion into my playing. I have also since discovered (by listening to masters of organ playing) the differences and strengths that an organ has over a piano. They are similar instruments, but each has its own strengths and areas of use.

I realized that I was again trying to play the piano on an organ. I was trying to do counseling as a chaplain. The two fields are similar, but they each have their own strengths and purposes. It's not that I was not able to be happy or make a difference, but I was not accomplishing the intended purpose of that field. The music I played on the organ was beautiful and enjoyable, but it was not as beautiful or enjoyable as it could have been if I was playing it on a piano with all of its strengths or if I had been playing it on an organ utilizing all the differences and strengths that an organ offers. In the same way, I should choose a career in which I am able to utilize all of the abilities and opportunities it affords, not just the one that is the most convenient.

I don't regret taking piano lessons on an organ (just like I don't regret my time as a chaplain). I know my family couldn't afford a piano, and the organ was a family heirloom that was given to us. I am grateful for the experience, even if it wasn't ideal. And even if I don't play the piano very often anymore, I am grateful for the skills I learned and the opportunity for expression that it was for me. Maybe when I'm all done with schooling I will have time to play again. But in regards to my career, I'm going to stick with the field that allows me to fully utilize my gifts and passions.