Patches of Righteousness

When I was in high school, I had a pair of jeans that I really loved. They were well worn, and really comfortable. After a while, I got a hole in one of the knees. I loved how comfortable these jeans were, and I didn’t have money to buy new jeans, so I just put a patch over the hole. Over time, I got more rips and more patches. When the jeans finally ripped between two patches, I relented and threw them out. And yes, at the end the jeans looked as ridiculous as you are imagining with several different patches that didn’t match each other or the original pair of jeans.

I have realized that many of us take a similar approach with righteousness. We know that we have some problem areas in our lives, and we ask God to help us “patch” those areas. After all, we are pretty good people, and we are very comfortable with our lives. We just have a few areas that need some work.

However, Jesus didn’t come to patch up our old life; he came to give us a whole new life. "No one tears a piece of cloth from a new garment and puts it on an old garment; otherwise he will both tear the new, and the piece from the new will not match the old” (Luke 5:36). “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The problem with our old way of life is not confined to a few areas; it is a systemic problem. That is why Jesus offers us a whole new life, a brand new garment. Let us embrace the new life that Jesus offers to us and leave our old lives in the trash where they belong.

Motivating by Fear

"Fear is the mother of violence. If we weren’t afraid, then people that are different might annoy us, but they certainly would not enrage us." I found this statement from a sociologist in a clip for a new documentary entitled Anatomy of Hate, a Dialogue for Hope. It really made me think. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators, and it is very easy to breed. Even within the church, fear is frequently used. Consider the evangelist’s warning against the unpardonable sin.

So if fear is effective at getting people into the church, what is the problem? The problem is that fear is not the way God operates. "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness” (Jeremiah 31:3). Let’s face it; if God wanted to use fear to motivate us, he could easily do so. Fire coming down from heaven, the earth opening up beneath your feet, deadly animals appearing from nowhere and surrounding you, each of these would be quite effective. But you cannot have a lasting relationship (which is what God ultimately wants) based on fear. That’s why God uses love. Love is a more powerful motivator, but it is much more of a challenge. It takes time, patience, and provides no guarantee that the person will respond in the way we desire.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love” (1 John 4:18). How many times do we see God telling his people to “fear not”? That is still his plan for us today. It is so easy to spread fear. I see it all the time among political leaders and Christian leaders. But we cannot love people and fear them at the same time. “Perfect love casts out fear.”

Are you willing to invest the time and energy required to live like Jesus, and “love people into a life-long relationship with God”?

A Long Distance Relationship with God

For the past 218 days, I have been in a long distance relationship with Susan. Of that time we have only spent 35 days in the same space. This makes for a very different and often very frustrating relationship. And while it has not been easy I have never once questioned if it was worth it. Susan is far too wonderful of a woman. Any type of relationship with her is better than no relationship with her. But now that our time apart is drawing to a close (11 more days!!!) and the anticipation of being together builds, I have begun to reflect on the similarities with my relationship with God, who I’m also in a long distance relationship with. I figured I’d share my reflections.

1. There are many advantages to a long distance relationship. Susan and I have established an incredibly strong foundation of communication. The vast majority of the time, the only way we can spend time together is to communicate, whether through IM, email, cards, phone, or any other way we can think of. As a result, we have gotten to know each other much faster and deeper than we would have otherwise. As our friend Sara bluntly put it, “You get to learn everything about each other, not just what the other person’s mouth tastes like.” It also allowed us to build a strong foundation of openness with each other. We have proven that we can talk to each other about anything. These skills and habits are essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. While it’s been very hard to be apart for so long, I think that it has been the best way to form a strong foundation and start off a relationship.

There is no question that God orchestrated the timing of things so that Susan and I started dating after I was in Michigan. He saw the need and value of the long distance relationship. I’m sure there’s also a reason for us to develop a long distance relationship with Him. God is an inherently relational person. As such, He craves time in open communication with us. A long distance relationship is an excellent way to develop this communication. It can also form the basis of a very strong relationship, just like it has for Susan and I.

2. With long distance relationships, you can either try to milk it along and endure it until the time apart is over, or you can dive right in and put forth the time and effort needed to build the relationship and make the most of the time together. If you try to just milk it along, it won’t last. Any relationship, especially a long distance one, requires a lot of time and effort. You can’t just sit and watch TV together or be with each other while working on separate things. It requires intentional focused time together on a regular basis. It is very tempting to try to multi-task and do other things while talking on the phone, and there are times that I do. But there always comes a point where I have to stop the other stuff and concentrate on her. I must confess that I have not been as good with giving this same intentional, focused, regular time to God. And I feel the difference in our relationship. When things pile up and time runs short, my priorities become evident. What I commit my time to reflects what I commit my heart to. The reality is not always what I would like it to be, but it is always the truth.

3. Time together should be precious. I look forward every night to talking with Susan. There are days that I am tired and drained and her loving words fill me right up. There are times when I am struggling with something and need a compassionate ear to listen to me. There are times when I am just really missing her and can’t wait to hear her voice. My time with God can be the same thing. There are times I look forward to it as a quiet haven from the chaos of my day. There are times when I just bask in His love and let it fill me. There are times when I have deep conversations with him. But I also have noticed that these times with God lose this special quality when I slack off on my time with Him. When the relationship begins to wane, that precious intimacy disappears.

4. Even though my time with Susan is precious, there is also flexibility to it. We both understand that life does not stop at 10:00. There are days when one or both of us are busy with other things or other people and we may not talk until 11:00. Some days we are more tired and won’t talk as long. But whatever is happening or as short as our time together may be, we have always managed to talk. Whether it’s 30 minutes or 3 hours. If our time together has been short the last few days, we may call earlier so we can spend more time together. It’s the same with God. Of course there are days when crises pop up and we can’t spend the time with Him that we would like. But the important thing is that we at least spend some time together every day and the short times together do not become all the time.

One advantage I have with my relationship with God is that I can talk to Him anytime. I don’t have to worry about keeping Him up at night. I don’t have to worry about Him being busy at work or in a meeting. It is truly awesome to realize that I can talk to God absolutely anytime I want. He’s always available and never distracted. And on top of that, He knows what’s going on. I don’t have to try and explain the situation or the whole story. That can be helpful for me in processing things, but is not necessary for God to understand.

5. The cards, emails, letters, etc. that Susan and I have sent to each other are a very special part of our relationship. We both treasure them and read them over and over. And while they give a special insight into who she is, her letters to me could never replace actually talking with her. It is the same with God. His letter to us (the Bible) is a very valuable and precious part of our relationship. But it is not a substitute for prayer and communicating with God. I believe prayer should be a two-way street where there is communication going on both directions, even if what God is “saying” isn’t audible or even in words. That makes it more difficult, but certainly not less important. I can’t just read a few cards that Susan has sent me and say that I have talked with her for the evening so I can now go to bed. Talking with her is not a chore to accomplish, it’s something that I look forward to and would not trade for anything. I need both the letters and the talking. I treasure both for different reasons. But the only way to really get to know Susan is to spend time talking with her, not just reading about her.

6. Everyday I tell Susan that I love her. Not because she’s forgotten or even because I think she may be doubting it. I tell her that I love her because I can’t keep from saying it, and because I love hearing her heart melt when I tell her. This has gotten me thinking about when I talk to God. How often do I tell Him how much I love Him? Would He not love to hear it just as much as I love to hear it? There are many times when I quiet down and try to listen to what God is saying to me that what I hear is Him telling me that He loves me. It is something that I can’t hear enough and fills my heart every night.

7. The distance is not forever. When Susan and I began this relationship, we knew the distance would not be forever. Even though we originally thought it would be longer (originally it was 2.5 to 3 years), there was always the hope that we would eventually be together again. It wouldn’t be much of a relationship if we were perfectly happy being apart and had no burning desire to be together. As I read The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge, I couldn’t help but notice this similarity. He talks a lot about how Christians should live in anticipation and longing for heaven. We were not designed to be apart from God. The world we live in is not our home. We should greatly desire heaven. And not just this clicheish picture that lacks any real indication of what heaven will be like and what we will do. I’m talking about passion and desire. The way I long to be in Florida and to be together with Susan. And the closer it comes, the more and more that I crave it. I can be happy and content in Michigan, but that does not eliminate my passion and desire to be with her.

8. The times that I have been with Susan are invaluable. While the flights have not been cheap (although I have always gotten good deals), they are so worth it. In fact, I would usually pay more money to fly back later in the day so that I had as much time as possible with her. These times together have really kept our relationship going. The longest we have ever been apart is seven weeks. After four or five weeks, I was really going nuts and wanted so badly to see her. Just to look at her face and touch her. And the longer we have been dating, the harder the times apart get. I don’t know how well I could handle seven weeks apart again. Fortunately that’s not an issue anymore.

This is one area in which the similarity with God begins to break down. I cannot be with God the same way I can be with Susan. I may not even physically see Him during my lifetime. But there are times when we can get a taste of heaven. There are times when we feel closer to God and feel that He is here with us. When I was at the Hospital Church Retreat and we were singing at church, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being home. I knew that this church was my home and I was so excited that I am coming back home soon. I wasn’t home yet, but I had gotten a taste of it. And it made me think about heaven. There are times when we get a taste of what home will really be like. And while we may not be there yet, we can savor the times when we get a taste and feel the longing to be home. And while I am really looking forward to being back in Florida, that moment won’t even compare to what it will be like when we all get to our real home and can finally see the greatest lover our souls have ever known and look Him in the face.

The principles of God vs. the scientific method

Several of the books I have been reading recently have talked about our relationship with God and the Christian preoccupation with principles. John Eldredge talks about how we seek to derive principles so we can control God's wildness. This is not to say there is no virtue in trying to understand the principles in a passage. I do think there is some legitimacy in it, but it can be taken to an extreme and be made an end in itself. But something I read today sparked the realization that our search for principles can be quite closely entwined with the modern emphasis on the scientific method. One of the hallmarks of the scientific method is that a finding must be repeatable. If it is a true scientific fact, the results can be repeated if the same circumstances happen.

Do we try to apply this scientific method to God? If something is true about the way God works, then the result can be repeated in similar scenarios. If God never changes and God never makes a mistake, shouldn't we expect Him to respond in the same way? If the same result isn't repeated, then maybe that original result was imagined, or misunderstood or whatever. It certainly wasn't theological fact, because if it was, it would happen again. And I'm not just talking about miracles, I'm talking about the everyday workings of God. But isn't this approach an attempt to control God? If we can figure out "the way things work", then we can control things ourselves. Because when we're really honest with ourselves, there have been times when we wished God had done things differently. So if we can figure out all the principles by which God operates, we can manipulate situations to turn out the way we want them.

The problem with all this is that God is a person. He is a living being who is just as capable of free-will as we are. And He doesn't like being controlled any more than you do. Besides this, we can never fully understand God and the way He works. If I could completely understand God, especially at my limited knowledge of 25 years, He wouldn't be a very great God. Again, I'm not saying there isn't principles at work in the way God relates to us. I'm just saying there is a danger in putting our trust in those principles. Instead we should get to know this God as a person (not a fact), and trust in that relationship.

Desire

I am reading the book The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge. It is a follow-up on the book The Sacred Romance which I talked about previously. It's really speaking to something I feel Christianity, at least in my experience, has missed.

"This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire." (pg 35) He talks about the many miracles of Jesus and that each time he was arousing and speaking to their desires. How else could this be called good news? "Being offered tips and techniques for living a more dutiful life isn't even in the field of good news." (pg 43) If the message we are hearing doesn't sound like incredibly good news, then perhaps we're not getting the right message. The bottom line is not how to cure and manage sin. Jesus' purpose in coming was to give us abundant life (John 10:10), which doesn't sound like a life devoid of desire.

Has anyone else experienced this emphasis on the duty of Christianity? I have felt that if I could only get the doctrine and belief all correct, and do the right things, then I would be fine. I resonate with Eldredge when he says "we are told to kill desire and call it sanctification". And in doing all this, I have completely missed the real purpose. I have missed the One who created me, not for correct obedience (otherwise why give us free will?), but for a relationship. The One who gave me these desires of my heart wants to see them fulfilled (Ps 37:4). And I really am enjoying this book that talks about what the heart of Christianity really is.

Knowing someone

I have to post this dialogue from the The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. It's an exchange between a fiancee and her betrothed. Does this sound like a relationship you would like to have? Does it remind you of your relationship with God? What does knowing God mean to you?

She: I'm so looking forward to our wedding day. I do love you so much. I really wish I could see more of you. There's so much about you I want to know better.

He: Yes, dear, I know. I'm going to send you a book that describes more about my life. I'm sure you'll get a lot out of it.

She: I'll be glad to read it. But I just want to hold your hand. [She continues somewhat mischievously.] I just want to kiss you.

He: I'm sure you do, beloved. Let me send you a tape describing the role of physical affection at different stages of courtship. You'll find it worthwhile, I'm sure.

She: (Somewhat disappointed) That's wonderful, darling. It's just that I so look forward to our wedding day. I want to be with you so badly. I think of us being, you know, "together" day and night.

He: Yes, intimacy is important. I'd like to send you to a weekend seminar that really should be quite helpful.

The Hard-ass Savior

I think the common portrayal of who Jesus was is very skewed. This is easily seen in the lives of those who claim to follow Him, and in the way we speak of the "Christian" thing to do. The "Christian" thing to do has become synonymous with what is considered nice and is the opposite of what may be considered "mean". There are far too many Christians that I know (myself included at times) who are not willing to stand up to anyone or say anything that may seem harsh or mean. There is the idea that Christianity is only about being meek (more often demonstrated as weak), tender, and always turning the other cheek. But that's not the whole picture of who Jesus was. Jesus was not afraid to pick a fight and speak His mind. By today's standards, you could say that Jesus was a hard-ass. He didn't just let people get away with whatever because His grace was sufficient. He didn't let them walk all over Him. Over and over in the gospels, we see Jesus picking fights, especially with the Sabbath. He very easily could have done all His healing on the other six days. After all, you don't want to "rock the boat".

But look what he does in Luke 14. He goes to eat at a prominent Pharisees' house, He specifically asks if it is lawful to heal on the Sabbath, heals a man (and then just sends him away, so it seems the healing wasn't His primary focus), and then exposes and bashes the Pharisees (and remember He's their guest at this moment) for their hypocrisy. If that's not picking a fight, I don't know what is. And look at the cleansing of the temple. It may have been righteous zeal that Jesus had, but it was real fear the people had. It seems that Jesus knew how to make and use a whip, and the people were truly afraid of Him. A model diplomat He was not.

Jesus was not afraid to tell the truth. Read Matthew 23 and look at all the things He said about the Pharisees. And don't picture this as a pastor preaching a "fire and brimstone" sermon to his congregation or someone attacking George W., who everyone yells about. Picture a famous televangelist personally attacking Billy Graham. Blind guides, whitewashed tombs, full of maggots, show-offs, fakes, murderers, and many others. "You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?" (v. 33). When was the last time you heard a Christian talk like that, and then not apologize afterwards for "losing His temper". But Jesus offered no apology for His scathing words. But He did offer tears. Right after He finished cutting them down to size, He wept over their stubbornness (v. 37). He didn't say these condemnations just to tell them off. There can be great redemptive value in speaking honestly and bluntly, when it is done in the right way. Notice Jesus didn't say this stuff at the beginning of His ministry, but after He had spent time with them.

There is a place for tact, and there is a time to hold your tongue. And it is true that we must "speak the truth in love". But included in that statement is speaking the truth. And not a truth that is so diluted with niceties as to have no effect. Jesus was not afraid of making enemies. As Philip Yancey put it, "How would telling people to be nice to one another get a man crucified? What government would execute Mr. Rogers or Captain Kangaroo?" John Eldredge also talks about this in Wild at Heart where he says Jesus is more like William Wallace from Braveheart than He is like Mr. Rogers.

Let's face it, the Christianity we see portrayed today is far too weak and passive. But that was not how Jesus was. Look at the confidence and strength He showed when arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane. And He blasted the priests for their cowardice in coming to Him at night. Which of those two groups are we more like? The more Christian thing to do is actually to have a backbone and not be afraid to tell things like they are. And if you make enemies and get killed, you may well find yourself in good company.

The Disguise of Religion

I am reading the book The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. In the chapter I was just reading, they were talking about our our search to fill our longing for Transcendence with lovers who are less wild than God. Let's face it, as C.S. Lewis put it, God is not safe, but He is good. But sometimes this wildness and lack of control scares us and we look for other alternatives. Things we can do that give us glimpses and tastes of Transcendence, but still allow us to maintain control. One favorite seems to be religion itself. We get caught up into trying to find the right beliefs, the right practices, the right everything. Religion becomes an intellectual journey that is divorced from our heart. Because it has the disguise of religion, it appears much more acceptable. But it is just as much adultery as anything else. It is like masturbating to a picture of your wife while refusing to have sex with her. If that idea is uncomfortable and repulsive to you, it should be. That is not at all what the relationship is supposed to be like, but it is how many of us approach our relationship with God. We want the benefits (orgasm) and we want to look like we're doing it right (it's within a marriage relationship), but we are afraid of the risk involved (sex requires much more risk than masturbation).

There is a risk in having a real relationship with God. For one thing, we have to surrender control. This can be really difficult because in our really honest moments, we would admit that the way God has done things is not the way we would have done them. There are always those times when we wish God would have stepped in, but He didn't. The question of how a good God who is all-powerful could allow evil to happen to good people (and vice-versa) is a question that has plagued humanity throughout the ages. And while our heads may find a satisfactory answer and we dismiss the questioning as faithlessness, our hearts still cry from the pain. The natural human reaction of protecting ourselves from pain kicks in, and we try to take more control. We will still "give God control of our lives", but only within certain parameters. And since we can't really trust that He will come through when we want Him to, we avoid putting ourselves in those situations. We try to do the right actions and believe the right doctrine, but since our heart hesitates to trust God, we just separate it from the process. What we're left with is a form of religion that may look like what God wants (after all, we're doing the right things), but there is no life to it. The Bible is explicitly clear that our "right actions" must come from a heart of love (read the Sermon on the Mount). But our heart hesitates to trust Him because it has been burned by His wildness. So we are left to choose between a form of religion that looks good on the outside, but still allows us control so we don't get burned. Or we can surrender the control, embrace God's wildness, and trust His goodness. There's a lot of risk involved, but unless we embrace the wildness of God and relinquish our desire for control, we will never experience the full blessing of a real relationship with God.

Trusting God

I know, two posts in one day, after such sporadic blogging for so long. But sometimes multiple things hit me at once. Such was the case in church today. I decided to forgo the millions of church options around Berrien Springs and watch the Florida Hospital Church live via streaming video on their website. I love Pastor Andy's sermons, and often they really hit me. That was the case today when the message was exactly what I needed to hear.

Yesterday I had another freak-out over money. The financial ramifications of dropping out of my chaplaincy program are HUGE, and money is now going to be much more tight. I am usually able to trust that everything will work out, but sometimes (like yesterday) when I am trying to figure out the bills and plan the month, I really freak out. I can't see how it will work out, and evil insurance companies can really exacerbate the problem. I don't regret my decision to pursue counseling, but I was still beginning to panic.

In church today, the discussion was on Mary and the trust and bravery she demonstrated by accepting God's plan for her to bear Jesus. Andy mentioned several other examples from the Bible when God's plan seemed impossible. The example of Gideon (Judges 7) really struck me. God had called him to deliver Israel from Midian. After a lot of discussion and the signs of the fleece, Gideon was finally willing to follow God's plan. But then God threw another wrench into the plan. He told Gideon that the Israelite army was too many, and if they did defeat the Midianites, they would think it was because of their own strength. So God wanted to reduce Gideon's army. He took them from 32,000 down to 300, less than 1% of their original size! 300 men against an army of about 135,000 (450 times the size of Gideon's 300 men). This certainly seemed like an impossible plan, but that's how God wanted it. He purposely made His plan look impossible. If it did make sense, and Gideon could see how it would all work out, the people wouldn't put their trust in God or give Him the credit. God didn't command that Gideon not be scared, He was OK with him being scared (7:10). Faith does not mean the absence of fear. Gideon just had to follow God's plan, even though he was scared and it didn't make any sense at all.

I guess if my plans "fall through" and things look absolutely impossible, that may be exactly how God wants them. Today's sermon, and this story, were telling me to trust and follow God's plan, even though I am scared and it doesn't make sense. My job is not to figure out the how. My task is to follow what God tells me. I don't ignore the details and act recklessly. But I don't let the insurmountable difficulties make me give up on God.

Retreat, Reconnection

This weekend, I spent 24 hours in a silent, personal retreat with God. It was partly for a class, but also something I have been wanting to do for awhile. I went to a retreat center near Berrien where I could be alone with God in nature. It was an incredible experience and I am just now beginning to understand all that happened. A lot of what was communicated went straight from God to my heart, and it hasn't all registered in my head yet.

It provided me the opportunity to sort through some questions I had been wrestling with. Questions at the core of my relationship with God and my understanding of Him. I had no set agenda or plan, but it seems God did. He first made me confront the issues that have been tripping me up and getting in the way of my understanding of Him. Then He led me as I tried to understand what God's love is, and consequently who God is. It was only after realizing these things that I could address the direction He has for my life, which had begun to nag at me. But above all else, it gave me a chance to reconnect. 24 hours of just me and God. No cell phone and no internet (gasp!). I really feel much more connected to Him, and it's a connection I've been needing.

I would encourage any of you that are struggling with something, or simply sensing a disconnectedness from God to do the same. Isolate yourself with Him. Spend intentional quality time with Him. And at least for me, nature is always a great place for this. The spot in the picture is where I did a lot of praying. For all my complaining about Berrien Springs, the colors of the leaves changing is beautiful.

Love of God

I am in my Spiritual Formation class right now, and we were just talking about God’s love. We looked at Ephesians 3:14-19 which talks about knowing the love of Christ which “surpasses knowledge”. It’s a love that goes beyond head knowledge into actually experiencing it. I had never put together that passage with verse 20, which is one of my favorites. “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” The incredible plans that God has for us is one of the ways that I experience His love. As I look at my life, I begin to see the incredible things God has planned for me. They are so far beyond my wildest dreams, and I know I’m just seeing the surface. I can’t help but to stand back in awe and amazement. Only a God who really loves me could do things so wonderful.

God in Movies

Sometimes it's easy to see pictures of God in movies that I watch. Sometimes it's not so easy. A few weeks ago in CPE, we watched the movie Anger Management, and we talked about it today. One of the questions we had to answer was where is God in this film? Is God embodied or is God's presence implied? I had seen this movie several times, and had never thought about this question. But as I thought about it, I did begin to see a picture of God.

I can see the character of Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson) as embodying some aspects of God. This was illustrated most in the way that Dave (Adam Sandler) didn’t understand Buddy’s methods or ways, and yet it for his learning and growth, and ended up giving him everything he wanted. It reminded me of how I do not always understand why God does things a certain way, and how it seems crazy at times, but in the end, it all makes sense. However, Buddy was manipulative in his approach, whereas God allows us freedom to choose to follow His plans. Buddy set-up the entire court process, and then used the threat of jail to force Dave to follow his methods. God lets us choose if we want to trust His methods.

As we talked about it today, several people were surprised at the thought of Buddy as God. If you've seen the movie, you can understand why. But the reality is that God can be seen in every human relationship. And sometimes we have to look to see it. He can be found in the most unlikely places, or the most unlikely movies.

Grace for God

I read something last week that I've been chewing on quite a bit. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but I do think there is something valuable in it. I was reading a pamphlet on being angry with God. It mentioned something from the Jewish tradition where a rabbi prayed that God would forgive him for the things he has done, and in turn he would forgive God for the things He has done. It raised an interesting thought: if we expect God to grant us grace and forgiveness for all the ways we mess up, can we offer the same to God?

The initial problem I have with this concept is that I believe God is perfect, and to say that he needs grace or forgiveness seems to contradict that. But it's not that God needs our grace (after all, who are we to forgive God), it's that we need to grant grace. I may know in my head that God is perfect, but there are still times that I wonder why He did or did not do something. Let's be honest: there is a reason that the question of theodicy is still debated. Theodicy is the theological term for the age-old question of why an all-powerful and good God would allow evil things to happen to good people. If God has the cure for cancer, is He responsible for keeping it from us? Tons of books have been written about the issue, and yet the question persists. We may answer the question in our heads, but when a situation hits our heart with the question, all those answers don't seem to matter. I believe it's one of those things that will never be fully understood until we get to heaven.

So can we offer God grace for the things He does that don't make sense and seem to betray His character? My CPE supervisor commented this week that our relationship with God tends to be so drastically different from any other relationship we have. She said she will never forget the day she realized that her earthly father couldn't protect her from everything. And she will never forget the day she realized her Heavenly Father couldn't protect her from everything either. But she knows He wants to. And He hurts just as much as she does. Why He protects some people from some things, and not others, I may never completely understand. But I am not called to understand everything completely. Faith has to play some role.

If God is truly our friend, and we treat Him that way, should we not offer to Him the same grace we expect from Him? My head may know that He is perfect and does nothing wrong. But my heart wonders sometimes.

Don't write me off as a heretic who's gone off the deep end. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. These are just my theological questionings. It's something I'm chewing on.