Knowledge vs. clarity

I went to a divorce support group at Forest Lake today. My primary reason for going was to see how they did their group, as I am wanting to start one in Michigan. I am the first to admit that I wasn't very optimistic today when I went. But that was because of a bad encounter I had in a similar meeting on Divorce Care by the same guy a couple weeks ago. I thought it may have just been the setting we were in, so I decided to try the actual group once, even if it was just to learn what not to do. My primary issue is the approach they take, which is clearly illustrated in the format. It's a two hour session. The first hour and a half were spent watching two videos on various aspects of divorce. The last half hour was spent in discussion.

To me, this is telling the person that their primary problem is lack of information. If only you knew all this information, you wouldn't be having this problem. It's somewhat demeaning and insulting! And who are you to tell me how I am supposed to grieve! I will admit that some information is needed, and sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. But I believe there's a better way to do that than preaching. It is much more effective to help a person find their own answers. Most of the time, the problem is not that we don't know the answer (devoid of information), it's that we haven't been able to think through the entire mess of our head (devoid of clarity). If we simply present information, it simply puts a band-aid over the mess. If you then want to do something about the mess, you have to pull back the band-aid, which seems like regression, so you wouldn't be inclined to do that. So we have an idea of what we think things are supposed to look like, but we still don't really know how to get there.

The other issue is that a video or preaching has to be somewhat general, as it doesn't exactly know where people are. But the problem is that grief (and life in general) is a balance. Look at anger, for example (the subject of one of the videos). On the one extreme, anger can lead to violence, murder, bitterness, and many other things. But if we deny and suppress anger all together, it simply rots, festers, and grows worse. And finding the balance of expressing anger in healthy ways can be very difficult. Especially since people express their feelings in different ways. The only way to find this balance is in a personal way. It can't be done in general preaching (whether videotaped or live). It takes time. It takes a lot of work. But divorce isn't a quick and efficient process. It's certainly easier to tell people what to do and how they should be, and then let them put it together on their own. But part of the problem is that a grieving mind is not usually thinking clearly. I've been there. I know. I needed help and simply time to make sense of everything.

As I was thinking about all this, I thought of an interesting reality. A newspaper costs 35 cents (at least some of them do), and is full of advice. The internet is full of free advice. Most people are eager to give their opinion. It is not hard to find advice. But it can be hard to find someone to listen. Many people (myself included) pay $130 to have someone listen to them for an hour. Yes a counselor does more than just listen, and insurance does pay most of that cost, but it does illustrate the value of having someone listen to you. As a chaplain, that's what I do most. Most people already know what I would tell them, and they aren't listening anyway. They won't remember what I say; but they will remember that I stopped and simply listened. And if there is something they really are wanting to know, they are much more likely to listen and absorb it if they ask than if I just decide to tell them. I guess I've vented enough about this whole issue. But it's something I feel very strongly about. Thanks for listening.