Pain is not the enemy

I was going through all my old blogs today as I put labels on them (a new feature of blogger). Several times I have made the comment "I would never wish this experience on anyone. But I would never go back to who I was before." This comment is actually a rephrasing of a statement my brother Adam has made continually. He says about his divorce, "I would never wish this experience on anyone, but I wouldn't trade it for the world." The reason I have hesitated to say the second part is that I felt if I could have gotten this learning and growth without having to experience so much pain, I would have preferred that. I knew that such a possibility is not likely or possible, but if it could have happened, I would have preferred that (like taking a pill).

But as I thought about this, and as I was reading through some of my other blogs, I realized that such thinking is still putting pain as the enemy. And one thing I have learned is that pain is not the enemy. There is value in pain. And it's not just the growth that it produces. One purpose of pain (physical or emotional) is to alert us to a problem. It tells us when something is wrong. If we didn't feel pain when a knife cut the skin, we may not stop before the knife cut through tendons, muscle, arteries, etc. It is a way to stop further damage. The pain I experienced in my divorce was indicating a very big problem. If I had listened to it earlier, it may not have gotten so bad. But it was only because I had the realization of how bad and messed up I really was that I was able to grow as much as I have.

The pain has also taught me that I can make it through the tough times. Life will always have pain, both small and great. And now I know that I can make it through. I don't have to panic and try to bail out when things are very difficult and depressing and I can't see the end. I know that I can keep trudging through the muck, and that I will eventually make it. And I have learned the value of that process itself, not just the value of the destination. There are precious gems of learning that I could only learn by walking through the valley, even when I felt waist deep in sludge.

You can tell when someone has gone through deep pain. There is a change in them for the rest of their life. Something that distinguishes them from those who have not experienced deep pain. Sometimes it comes through in their outlook on life, sometimes in their patience, or in any number of other areas. One place I really notice it is in how they respond to and act around those who are currently experiencing deep pain. Those who haven't experienced deep pain will often offer band-aids of platitudes and try and make things look better. They are very uncomfortable around such raw deep pain because they have never experienced it before themselves. And they may not know if the person can make it through. But because I have experienced deep pain, I know that it takes time. I don't have to rush the ending. I don't have to try and make them feel better (which is usually just trying to make us feel better about them). I can patiently walk with them because I know that they will make it through, even if the end can't be seen. And it isn't a contest of who has had deeper pain. That doesn't matter. Each pain is different and painful in its own way, and a comparison is really not possible. But there is a difference with those who have gone through deep pain.

So I really wouldn't trade my divorce for anything. Not just the end result (the growth), but the entire process itself. The gut-wrenching brokenness and pain. The disillusionment, the struggles, the stress, the frustration. I wouldn't trade it. This pain is not an enemy to fight and conquer. It's a part of who I am.